A Short Rant on Moods

I would like to think that I'm self aware. I mean, I feel like I know who I am. Of course, there are things that we all don't like about ourselves. A big one for me is, I really wish I could shed the human inclination to care what others think of me or who they think I am. Unconsciously, I think that is part of why blogging appealed to me. I can bravely bare some facts about myself and the risk is very low, considering that I am unlikely to ever have more than a few subscribers. I'm brave, just not very sometimes. The bigger reward is that I learn about myself in the process and grow. Another thing I'd like to change is how unorganized I am. I really struggle with this one, and it seems to be deeply tied with my moods. You know, that whole temperamental artist thing.

I've been thinking this week about ways in which I hide or avoid things. I can perform some professional grade procrastination, all the while, completely enjoying myself. I know this is part of my make up and the way my mind works, but the part of me that cares what others think doesn't want you to know that! I can be my worst enemy when performing my work. I can know in my mind that a detail of my work will not even be seen or thought of by my client, but that same mind has an obsession of doing it a certain way anyway or tormenting myself about wishing my results were better. I know that my work would be easier if I let some details go, but I don't want to. (There! You may see me as stubborn!) The evolution of my work is helping to ease some of the difficulties that I create for myself. However, the angst of obsessing over details and the joy of feeling satisfied at the completion of the work, makes for many ups and downs in my moods. This is where procrastination becomes a happy problem. I say happy, because like I stated earlier, I rather enjoy the things I let distract me from any given task. Like blogging! I love to write. Or studying astrology! Now there's a black hole of learning that I can dive into! Or I can jump on the internet and learn a sewing technique or get a history lesson on fashion, or research a project I've been dreaming about, and on and on. And it isn't the internet's fault. If I didn't have the internet, I'd go down and pick up a stack of books from the library to distract me, or better yet, pick from the growing stack on my shelf. These are all (to me) healthy ways that I've learned to cope with this (much as we all do), because the alternative is getting burnt out on projects. I've come to know that if my mind isn't set on the next task correctly, I will likely have to correct mistakes in the "obsessing" stages of the task. I envy people who can tick off a long list of tasks in no time. My low moods can make me feel that everyone is more organized than I am, because therein lies one of my greatest hurdles. A mind that has so many strings tied in different directions, is a tangled mind indeed.

So, here are these "moods" that I would like to temper and tame. And here is this blog that I'm using to help myself grow in a gentler way, thus avoiding the pitfalls of the Universe teaching me things the difficult way (over and over!). My temperament is part of what got me here, but now no longer serves me in the same way. That Universe that is teaching me, has so kindly handed me new projects that I've been praying for. All of this lends me a new way to work and think and live. It's all happened so quickly that I think my emotions have all crashed together and are having quite a go around. It's time for me to untangle the mind strings, send these moods to their respectful corners, and approach things differently. It's human nature to keep holding onto the same way of doing things, but for me right now, I only see me growing if I'm willing to face the difficulty of changing and then ease into a new way of being. Here I go. Wish me luck. And as Meghan Trainor sings, "watch me do".